Heart Breaks

     

    Note: I'm stupid for not writing lately but I've recently moved and have been busy with work. Hopefully, I'll be writing more regularly now :P 

      So it's surprising that out of all people, I'd be writing about heart breaks. I'm used to being the girl that doesn't care. Some people judge me and think I really don't have the ability to care enough about someone to stick to them. Honestly, I don't care. I'm not even sure what type of person I am and what I'm capable of. I don't know if I'm shallow and care only about looks or if I actually care about a person. I tend to stay away from feelings because that's how I protect myself. 

      But I learned something new this summer. I learned that I'm capable of caring. And I think I like that. The situation I got into was a bit complicated and in the end I was the one who end up hurt. But at the same time, I got to experience memories that I'll always cherish because I was happy while they lasted. I know I'll be called stupid for jumping into something even though I knew it wouldn't work out but its life. If you find something worth it, go for it. I think the worst feeling a person can have is a 'what if' feeling. You don't want to do something that you'll always wonder about in the future because it can affect your present then. It'll be hard for me. I'll have to work hard to move on when the time comes. But right now, I'm happy as friends and joy it brings me. 

    And so, this will be my first will be my first break. Funny I'm smiling as I write this. But it's because it was worth it. 

Back to School

     Well that's nothing new right? Everyone's starting to go back to school but I've noticed recently that there's this certain feeling where most students are really nervous about going back. That's how I've been feeling, my brother, and also a few of my friends. I guess its a bit nerve racking to see everyone after MONTHS. In addition to that, it's sorta still summer. That careless feeling of freedom and fun still hasn't left our systems yet. Plus its new professors and new classes this year. Even though, we may be going back, there are still new things to come. That feeling of being unable to tell what's to come before us messes with our nerves. I mean yeah, its always like that. We never know what's going to happen to us but at the same time, this is dealing with something that's happening very soon!

     It's alright to be nervous and scared but don't let the fear overtake your ability to face life head on! 

why? Why? WHy? WHY?

         Sometimes, there's a certain person in your life and soon everything starts revolving around them. If you've been talking to them and its been good, your day goes well. But if things have been a bit rocky, your day basically sucks. Does this happen to me? I don't know. But if that's the case, I hate it. I hate it so much because I feel so insecure. But then theres nothing to be insecure about cause there's nothing there. But should there be? Even when there was a chance and I made sure it didn't happen but now things feel different. Why do I feel like I can be strong alone and that I'll be fine but then I feel like I need someone and that it needs to be them. Life is DAMN confusing cause it feels like everything is about them... WHY!!!!!!!

And then, Sentimentality Hit.

 

 
         Yesterday, we received a letter from an aunt of mine. It was a letter inquiring about my family and as a sister, my aunt was inquiring about my father. In the letter, they were inquiring about us and me. While my mom was reading that letter to me, my aunt asked what I had decided to study during college.  It seems that all my cousins have gotten far and accomplished something big. Two of them are engineers. One is a district magistrate and well, you know. The trend follows. It made me think of my family and I basically had this moment of sentimentality hit me. I realized I should do something that would make my family proud so that my relatives could have something good to talk about when they talk about me.
          Even if my career here is well regarded, many times Indians don't care about that kind of stuff. There are certain careers that women should and should not go into. But what makes me frustrated is why should I even care about what they talk off? My friends love me and the society here would respect regardless my family does or not.
          But its culture and that background that you come from that sometimes effects the way you think about. Sometimes it doesn't matter what other think but when you come from a certain culture, it starts to matter. And so sentimentality hit me. 

BLARGHHHHHH

ONE WORD:


CRAMPS

Shame on Myself

There's a lot of things I've said and done that have made me feel ashamed of myself. Most people these types of things. I was honking, however, that it goes beyond shame when you do something that hurts the people you love the most. I did something like this. All these emotions of pain, anger, and resentment were going through my mind when I did what I did. However, I didn't realize how it would affect the people who love and value me. That was when I truly felt shame. Shame that I didn't think about the consequences of my actions and how others would be influenced. I am so sorry now that I did what I did and in order to prevent it from happening again, I've decided to take action even if it's something I may detest. I'll do anything to avoid a situation like that again where I honestly felt shame to the core of my heart. 

BUCKET LIST!

   
     Lately, I've been getting excited about the crazy things in life I want to do. I guess that happens as one grows up. They experience different things and see the different things there are to do.
      I used to feel really annoyed about growing up and all the responsibilites. But now, I feel excited about all the things I can possibly do as I grow up. Sooo for that reason, I've created a bucket list of crazy things I want to do in life.

> Skydiving
> Crash a wedding
> Get a (Motor)Bike and a License to drive it
> Enter a legit race
> Travel around the world
> Learn all Extreme sports(skydiving, bungijumping, jetsking, ski, snowboard, surfing, etc.)
> ROAD TRIP!
> Meet a criminal
> Fly a plane
> Kiss a famous celebrity
> Get a shooting license and learn how to Shoot
> Create my own Batmobile
> Write a song that turns out to be a big hit.
> Fake Elope to scare everyone on April Fools and then maybe really elope
> Learn at least ten different types(cultural) of dances
> Tomato Festival in Spain!!


For right now this is what i can think of. haha.

Blank

   
       That moment you have when you're feeling broken but there are things that keep you going and there are things that are bothering you but you don't know how to deal with them. And you feel like you cant really blog about anything because you have this strong tendency to express why your heart feels so broken but then you remember, OH SHIT. THIS IS A BLOG AND PEOPLE READ IT. And then you don't want to sound so pitiable. Yea. That's what I'm feeling. 

What Makes a Human the Most Sad

       I'm not sure how this topic even popped in my head but with things getting tough lately, I thought of this topic. Life is hard and difficult and I can say I've been through some tough shit. But in the end I feel what made some of those things in life seem unbearable was the feeling of loneliness. Even if things are rough and difficult to the extreme, I feel that the worst feeling was that I am alone. No matter how many friends I have. No matter what, when things are hard, and everything feels so unbearable, what breaks me is the feeling of frustration from not being able to call someone or tell someone about my hardships. It isn't the hardship itself that makes me feel so given up but the feeling that no one understands. My friends all tell me that they're there for me and that I can always talk to them but its just so hard to talk to anyone at that point when you're the most broken and hurt. Life is all fun and games but honestly, without love or without someone there to protect or shelter, its difficult. Loneliness is what makes a human the most sad. It makes things seem unbearable. 

Passion to go Farther Than Ever

   
   


         Many people have goals, desires, and places they want to be at. I have that too and I'm sure you may have it too. But sometimes it just really sucks when you don't have the resources to be up there. I feel that way about my certain goal in music. I aim high and I want to seriously write songs but my skills in music are limited. To write a song means to write the music, the lyrics, in addition to deciding which instruments sound right and correct. It takes a lot to write a legit song and I really want to do that. I feel like I have the potential to make something out of myself and to show a world a part of me I can only show through music. Music is like soul food for me. It's something I can never stop doing. But I guess that's how the best of best get there. They come from the lowest level possible but they go high and they get somewhere no one thought they could go. And that's my passion: to go farther than ever. 

Safety for the sake of loved ones

       
   I put sailor moon as a pic to represent friends that make up your family cuz that was basically how it went in the show. :P

       People forget how love works sometimes. Love(im talking about love between friends and family) between two persons is mutual and if it's not, then at least your feelings or the other person's feelings are there. I know I love my friends. When they're happy, I'm happy. When they're sad, I feel sad. When they're in pain, I feel that pain for them. What's hard to remember is that this is exactly how someone who loves me feels. I have many loving friends from temple, school, college, and etc.. I forget that my happiness makes those friends happy and my pain makes those friends sad.
    I tend to be a reckless person. I love thrill and I love danger. There's this feeling of excitement and adrenaline rush that I'm addicted to. That's why I thrive on speed and find it almost impossible to obey the speed limit. But when there's people that love you, they fear for you. I have a friend who owns a bike and he was basically handicap all of beginning of the summer cuz of an earlier accident. I don't really express this to him but I have this constant feeling of concern and prayer that he'll be safe where ever he is. I feel like that about a lot of friends but I don't really express that concern. It's not like me to be like that.
    When there are people you love and people that love you, its the best that you be safe and considerate because your safety and well being affects them too. 

Immaturity on a Whole New Level

   Something that happens to be a pet peeve of mine: Immature adults. Now, I'm not talking about adults that can do stupid things and act funny and crazy. No, they just know how to have fun. I'm talking about the ones that don't do things by themselves when they have the ability to and act selfishly.

    I don't mean disrespect to my mother by this post but she really angered me today. Basically, she was supposed to go somewhere today. I had told her I was not going to go with her from the beginning. And there was a possible ride she could have gone with. But instead she thinks she can convince me. In normal circumstances, I would have agreed to go with her but I was honestly really exhausted. I had been out the whole day and I drove for almost 4 hours straight with a sever e back problem. I hadn't taken my iron pills and I was honestly about to pass out.
     My mother didn't understand this and was really insistent that I go with her but I was grounded in my refusal. Which leads to the bad blood that'll be between us two for a while. Plus, she won't let me do other things or go other places because I refused to go somewhere with her. Her reason for wanting to drag me along is because she's not good with direction but honestly, a lot of people aren't and she was going somewhere near our home. She got ready and then changed back. It was sorta immature of her and I know she's not the only adult out there like that. I know others too. It's annoying and takes immaturity to a whole new level.

Extreme Nationalism and It's Faults

   

Yes, I know. I usually write about something more personal in my blogs but I like writing about issues in the world that are out there and things many people don't think about. Today's its nationalism. Today or tomorrow, happens to be the Independence day of India and Pakistan. Two countries that have known to be enemies throughout their history.

    Many times I feel like enmity between nations and countries is due to pride and ignorance. For example, that shooting that took place in the Milwaukee Sikh Temple was due to the total ignorance of the perpetrator. The man who committed this act of hatred was full of ignorance. Due to ignorance he made assumptions on an ethnic group which was really idiotic. It's impossible to judge a group of people because each and every person is different.

    Many times, nationalism(at its extreme) blinds people in properly seeing things in a logical sense. For many years, there had been a certain enmity between India and Pakistan because of a piece of land known as Kashmir. Same with many middle eastern countries. I guess its cliche to ask but why can't people think of sharing? Maybe that doesn't make sense culturally but there needs to be a sense of respect for other cultures. Extreme nationalists provoke fights and violence. All this violence and death is senseless and full of ignorance.

Im not sure this blog made sense but I just wanted to share my thoughts. 

The Boy I met this Summer

       I met a boy this summer. When I first heard of him, I never thought I'd even meet him or anything would ever happen. I was with my friend and we were on Facebook checking her friends out. Apparently I happened to think one of her best friends is hot and so she posted on his wall telling him about me and what I said. Somehow we ended up conversing with each other through text and that's when things started going crazy. We would talk to each other for hours. We'd text every single day. I'd be the first one he texted evey day and same with me. We were basically a couple without the official title and we hung out a few times. He even accidentally called himself my boyfriend. After awhile, there were a few things we went through and there was a distance that grew between me and him. I sorta grew to have a crush on his friend and my feelings sorta just drifted.

     Then we have a mutual friend and I told her something between us and I didn't tell him first and that was my second time doing that but she was a bit upset that he hadn't told her because they were both close. He overreacted and we didn't contact each other for a few days although I did apologize. He overreacted and accused me of breaking his friendship with a friend of ours. At the same time, he said some pretty hurtful things about me to our friend while he got mad at me to her. In addition, he claimed I broke his trust. I honestly don't think I did all that. He really just overreacted.

      In the end, I apologized again but broke off contact with him. I'll admit that my feelings for him are that more than just a normal friend but I can't be with him and in a way, I don't want to be with him. He's special and I'm not sure why but he sorta nudged his way into this small space of my heart. I liked knowing him but I'm not sure I can handle any more attachment like this. Whenever I attach myself to someone who's special to me in a way, they leave or they have the ability to hurt me. Sometimes they do that without meaning to but the pain still sucks. So I said alvida. I said Good Bye to the Boy I met this summer.
      

Teamwork

     Some things in life sound so cliche and cheesy but honestly, they can be true. I'm serious. I've learnt today that teamwork can accomplish great things. Today was amazing. I'm an actress&director for a spiritual youth group and I feel so proud of my group. We've accomplished so much as a group. When I first started the group, I didn't see us doing anything big or impressive. I just saw us having fun and doing something together once again that we did as children. But we've grown so much as a group and are getting somewhere I'm totally amazed to see us at. I think it's amazing how much awesome teamwork can get you somewhere so far. I'm proud to be a director and my girls are just amazing. I'm proud of each and everyone of them. 

Bliss

         What is true happiness? What is that feeling of ultimate happiness supposed to feel like? Once in awhile, when I least expect it, I experience it. It was a very special day yesterday but it didn't feel like it at first. My whole day was so busy. I was running so many errands and basically driving the whole day. I got a police ticket and was stuck in traffic for the longest time. I was with a friend which seriously made things better for me. I'm sure I would have cried if she hadn't been there with me. All in all, it had been a very tough day. However, when it was midnight and I was standing in midst of the crowd, for the curtain to open at midnight, there was this anticipation building within me. And when the curtains did open and I just caught a glimpse of them, I felt this burst of love, happiness, and security. I felt as if I needed nothing else in the world. I felt light and I felt free. I felt bliss and true happiness. Nothing mundane can ever give me this feeling. The feeling I felt was magical. It was outta this world. 

Warning: it's getting late

         It's usually around the night time that I start getting moody. I get depressed really easily, I get mad really easily, and I also get hyper and giggly very easily. It's just what happens. And it doesn't really help that I have this annoying brother that seriously get REALLY REALLY annoying. Like seriously. This boy does nothing during the day except for watching shows, facebook, and maybe like one or two chores. And then he spends the whole day annoying me while I'm completing chores and other things. On top of that, my mom keeps getting annoyed about the smallest things and it just too much! When it gets late, I'm just tired and all these emotions that I sorta just tuck away during the day uncover themselves. That's when you should be scared... cuz i turn into a MEANNNNNN BEECHHH

MEANIE HEADS

   Remember my last post about head attacks? Well today, I had a severe one. One that made me CRY!!! :[  So today, I visit my campus and go to a few places for jobs and as I'm starting to head back home, I suddenly have a head attack and its a migraine like no other. I honestly cried. In pain. I don't cry often. Especially when it comes to physical pain. I'm just like that. BUT GUESS WHAT??? My family tends to not care and ignore this kind of stuff. I'm taking some rest in the bed trying to sleep off the migraine when my little brother that I very much think is annoying comes and disturbs me in my sleep to tell me I have chores to do and he literally puts his face like in my face to wake me up. It took everything I had to punch him hard in the face. Then, my MOM, sees me cry but still really doesn't care. She just brushes it off.

   The point is, they should know me as a person and understand that I didn't feel well today. I know that this most likely really stupid and boring to read about but I needed to let the steam out. Like honestly, for once, I wish my family understood my feelings and dealt with me the way that I really want them to. 

Head attacks

    If any of you who read this are college students, you know what I'm talking about. I call em' HEAD ATTACKS. You're doing work or whatever it is that you do, and all of sudden, these head aches sorta just start creeping on you and then you suddenly feel the need to sleep but you have this load of work you need to finish and its just so aggravating.  You're just like, WTF? WHY THE HELL DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN NOW? I don't know. I feel like this ALWAYS happens at the wrong moment. It's always when you have some bigass project or some important exam coming up and stuff. You can ask my roommate. Its not just me, it happens to her too. Maybe its the stress of the work. Study life is cray life is you ask me. Oh head attacks... 

Remember

I remember when I was young, we learnt that my grandmother was sick with cancer. I remember visiting her back at my home country. I was young but I remember bits and pieces of how I used to treat my grandmother and sometimes I feel like I was a jerk. I guess all these memories sort of surfaced because the grandma of a friend of mine passed away and it made me remember my own grandma. I love her. She was kind and nice and a warm-hearted person. She basically raised my younger brother while I was raised by my uncle for a few years. But I remember that I wasn't kind at many times and I feel sorry about that. I guess there are regrets from the past that all people have. But you have to hope for the best and just move on. Remember the memories and respect who you loved. 

Imagination: Living Life Beyond Reality

           Today I was talking to a friend of mine. And he tells me that he's old now and that his imagination has basically stopped functioning. I feel like imagination is one thing that all people should not forget about. No matter how old or young, I feel like imagination is an essential part of our lives. Imagination establishes a sense of creativity that livens up life. Even when a person is bored and not really doing anything, imagination can really make things interesting.
        Remember when you were young, with only a bed and a few pillows, you'd create a world where there was an ocean of lava about to swallow you. And so, you ventured into an adventure where there was no ending to the magic and creatures new to the world.
        Obviously, the range of imagination our imagination is going decrease as we age because responsibilities begin to weigh our shoulders so heavy, we begin to lose sight of the world that our minds can create. But really, imagination is what creativity is borne from and with creativity, we live a life beyond reality. 

Rationality

       Today, I was having a debate with a few friends. Basically, this debate was concerning which ethnic group is the most tardy out of all. The three groups we were discussing were, Indians, Africans, and Mexicans. Obviously, based on personal experience, we all had different hypothesis and ideas. I wasn't born in the United States. I immigrated here when I was less than a year ago. I went to preschool and kindergarten in the nation I was born. My friend who happens to be a Filipeno studied in Asia somewhere in an international school and my other friend who's actually an Indian studied in an African international school. 

        So, in this conversation, my Filipeno friend(ima call him Filipeno now) says that because of the diversity he's experienced at his international school, he can obviously judge other students. Basically, he was saying that he was going to judge or make assumptions about different ethnic groups based off the 40 or so different students he knew. I thought this notion was quite IRRATIONAL. 

        In my opinion, it is nearly impossible to judge groups of people because they're made of individuals and each individual is different. Not only that, they all come from different backgrounds, places, values, and teachings. In addition, many times, people change their behaviours according to their surroundings and situations. While a person may be very lazy in reality, when it comes to work, he may be very hard working. There are many more examples like these. The point is, its almost that the way Filipeno was thinking was not rational. The huge number of people in each ethnic group are not properly represented by a mere number. Rationality doesn't work that way. 

My One True Love

         Things in life change. People change, places change, relationships change. I know for sure that things in my life have constantly changed. The person I am has changed, people in my life have changed, and my friends have also changed. However, one of the few things in my life that's always been there is me and music. To me, music is magic. It's hard to find things in life that you'll always love no matter what; something that you feel passion for on a level where life becomes a pursuit of a certain goal. Music makes me feel happy and sometimes it makes me sad. But I let it take the reign of my feelings and I love riding it where ever it may take me. I love music cause that's when I feel real but surreal. It's a drug to me that I don't want to ever stop taking and it's helped overcome things in life. I feel like passion and love like that is hard to find. I'm glad to have found something in my life like that. Sometimes people ask, 'would you rather be blind or deaf?' Without hesitation, my answer always turns out to be blind. When I hear the sounds and voices around me, I feel alive. I could never live without the sounds of music or sounds of life. Obviously it'd be frustrating to be blind but I could never bear the world to be mute. I thank god everyday for giving the ability to hear because I may have been insane if music wasn't in my lane.

Guys... DILEMMA

Guys: Can't live with em' and can't live without em. Its annoying when you're dealing with the ones you don't know how to deal with. 

First of all, it doesn't help that I have issues with relationships. It seems like I can't really stick to a relationship. For me, its the game. I love the game. Getting them to like me, notice me, and fall for me. But once I realize that they've fallen for me, it basically ends there. I don't really like them anymore. 

Recently, I've met someone who drives me nuts. We flirt but it seems like I have to be the first to initiate contact. And sometimes he seems interested but then he doesn't. Its like, 'WTF DUDE!' I think what's bothering me the most is that I'm not winning this game. 

Was there ever someone I really truly liked? I think I may have liked him and maybe I still do. I'm not sure. But that was in the past, and I'm trying to move on. It just seems that, that's not working out for me. I seem to be messing other's hearts and maybe I should stop but idk.... i dont think i will just cuz i cant.